A Broken Spirit

As much as I try to walk with God, daily life becomes a distraction and I find my heart wandering. It seems at times like these, God puts some difficulty in my life to draw me back to Him. Teaching lately has become this difficulty. I find myself dwelling upon my students, anxiously wondering what the next day will bring. Sometimes I don’t feel like I have the strength or the wisdom to deal with the day’s difficulties.

Does my lack of strength indicate a lack of trust in my Father’s provision? As He granted wisdom to Solomon, He is able to give wisdom to those who ask for it (James 1:5). Yet I find it difficult to pray, earnestly pray, for help in this.

Perhaps the teaching mentality is inhibiting me. Teachers are supposed to have the answers. We are expected to be competent, in charge, and to know what to do at any moment during the day.

Deep down, I wonder how much of my problem is the desire to be esteemed. To be liked by my students. To appear to be in control. To have all the answers. I want to do it all in my own strength and to be known as a great teacher. And yet… God seems to be nudging me and saying, “What about Me? What about My glory?”

“If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength God provides, so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ” (1 Peter 4:11). “The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart.” Psalm 51:17.

So my lesson here seems to be: serve with the strength God provides. Be prepared to humble myself before Him and admit that I cannot teach this challenging class on my own.

I wish I could attribute the following quote to someone, but I’m not sure who said this. It is one of the most difficult prayers I have ever prayed.

"O Jesus! meek and humble of heart, Hear me. From the desire of being esteemed, Deliver me, Jesus. From the desire of being liked, from the desire of being celebrated, from the desire of being praised, from the desire of being approved, from the fear of being humiliated, from the fear of being despised, from the fear of suffering rebukes, from the fear of being ridiculed, deliver me from these things Jesus. That others may be loved more than I, Jesus, grant me the grace to desire it."